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This topic is near and dear to my heart-the only child. No, I’m not an only child and I do not have an only child. But I wanted to have an only child for many years. It was a terrible struggle for me as a parent to decide if I would have more than one child. I was so overwhelmed at the idea of being a good parent and providing a good life to my first child, that I couldn’t bear the idea of having another. I loved the alone time, the absence of any sibling rivalry. I loved the idea of having the freedom to do more financially and with only one personality to work with. I had no idea how I would be able to meet another child’s needs emotionally.
My friends and I would talk incessantly about it. And I decided to have another. And like any child, once you meet them, you can’t remember not being madly in love with them. You can’t remember life existed without them because it’s like they’ve always been there. I can’t imagine life without my second child.
But I still think having an only child would be a special gift as a parent too. I think giving one child everything they ever dreamed of, would be very cool. And some people think it makes for a spoiled person. I think it only leads to being spoiled if you let them just be selfish, spoiled people.
I think a lot more people consider having the only child than we hear about. There is so much parental pressure to have more children. It’s one of those topics that brings out the judgey in some parents in unfair doses. Why do people care so much whether someone has an only child? Well, I asked because I want to know. Give me something to chew on. What’s wrong with having an only child? It is ignorance that makes us judge, or do you know something I don’t? Give it a rip!
There way too many only children here in China…Especially Boys…they’re called “Little Emperors”. I tutor 3 little boys 4 and 5 English once a week and they can be the best little princes or bratty monsters. Don’t really know what their parents do but they live in the pent house of my complex (5-10 million $$$$ USD to buy and they do own) all I know is that both set of parents work long hours and have multiple citizenships….China/Canada and China/Australia and will pay anything to make sure their sons get ahead of the competition….even if it was soliciting a lady from swim class who yells at their boys in perfect “TV” English….that’s ME! They offered me $50USD an hour to just talk and play with their kids…Of course I said…”Hell yes!”…I gotta do that for free with my kids…might as well get paid for it. I sing songs, read Dr. Seuss, play hide and seek…all that crap that I do with my boys but now get paid for it…WOW…
Anyways…the reason for so many Little Emperors is:
In 1976 the Chinese Government mandated their people to have only 1 child to control the excessive population growth during Mao’s rule. So most people born after that have no sisters, brothers, and some don’t even have uncles, aunts or cousins. I guess the only good thing about that is there’s no one to contest your rich grandma and grandpa’s will. You’ll never hear from that long lost uncle who resurfaces after you win the lottery…wait, I don’t think China has a lottery but dang, there’s tons of super rich people here…I mean like Rock Star rich but they don’t blow their money on beer, drugs, and hookers….how do I know? Just look at their only kid…the money goes all to him ….aka Little Emperors (usually b/c all the females are aborted or left for adoption). Between the private schools, private English teachers, private piano, violin teachers, private art lessons, private tennis lessons, private swim lessons, and designer imported clothes, there isn’t much money left for the parents to blow on beer, drugs, and rock and roll.
So history goes that parents who were denied the basics of education, food, clothes and toys during Mao’s Cultural Revolution, have all their hopes and dreams depended on their only child to absolutely succeed in life. They pamper their only child excessively so the child’s only job is to succeed academically so he can get into the top Kindergarten, then Primary school, then Secondary and at last University. The child is the chance they they never had themselves. And it’s been said that only 1% will achieve this so there’s a lot of pressure on both the parents and the child to make it. Not only are the parents involved to make this happen but the child’s success is also supported by both set of grand parents. While the parents are at work day and night and even weekends, the grandparents do most of the child rearing. And we all know how much grandparents like to spoil their grand-kids. Especially when there’s only ONE!!!!! So now you have 6 set of income investing in one child’s future. I see grand dads in the mornings riding their grand kids on their bikes to school every morning while grandma is home cooking his lunch which she will deliver to school just before lunch time so the Little Emperor will have a nutritious and hot meal to eat daily.
These Little Emperors are the Center of the Universe to their parents and grand parents. Remember, there’s no aunts or uncles, sisters or brothers or cousins to compete for attention, they get it all the time, 24/7.
But life for these little pampered brats is not easy. It’s actually a burden! You HAVE to succeed b/c you got 6 old people to support when you’re older…that’s not cool. Your parents and grandparents have no other people to help them out when they’re old and grey and need diapers…it’s only YOU aka: The Little Emperor!!! No aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings etc. So I have heard that some college aged kids who don’t get into the right University actually commit suicide rather than lose face for their parents/grandparents b/c now he will never get a good job and will never be able to support them since they spent their life savings on his future. Like any investments, KIDS: No guarantee of successful returns. There’s a billion people competing against you…your odds are slim…that’s where the Tiger Moms come in…that’s a whole different conversation.
But I’m noticing that it’s not ONLY the Chinese people like this…it’s most of Asia….Asian’s don’t like to have too many kids…2 at the most I noticed. It’s really hard to fit more than 1 kid on a scooter, and the apartments are super tiny. It’s not like France where they PAY you to have a 3rd child…can you imagine someone offering you money to breed????? But I have also heard that China is lax on the one child per family policy now and that they are starting to ask people to have more b/c the elderly population surpasses the younger generation and it’s too much for them to support all these old Chinese people. For some reason they live a long long long time…even with their polluted air, chemical laced water, gutter oil, plastic in milk and formaldehyde in their veggies…maybe that’s the secret of the Fountain of Youth…Formaldehyde…Hmmmmm.
Anyways…forgot what I was writing about…back to having only child or more…I think having one is more than enough…and if you get a kick from chaos, flights, multiple personality differences, multiple conversations going on at the same time, and dirty and clean laundry EVERYWHERE….go ahead, have more kids.
Ok, first of all, awesome post Jen Lee! Funny and very interesting!! Initially I thought I would write my post before reading anyone else’s and then found myself sucked in to your post and couldn’t stop reading.
This is such an interesting topic because it seems to be a topic I am surrounded by lately. For a long time I felt judged for even considering having one child knowing that my husband and I would likely continue living separately for a number of years. Any time the topic came up I would shy away from getting too involved because inevitably the question would come… “When you have kids, are you going to move to the base your husband is stationed at?” I hated getting into this because I felt “set up” every time.
Now back up a bit… A long time ago, I made a decision to NOT have any children unless or until I could afford to give them the wonderful life that my parents worked so hard to give to me. Isn’t that what we all want? To at least meet, if not outdo the lifestyle provided for us. Well unfortunately for me, I chose a career path in public education and non-profit education, leaving little room for me to support myself, let alone any children. All hope of taking my kids on trips to Europe before hitting puberty, living in Mexico before graduating high school, giving them the choice to attend any college they could get into, study abroad, backpacking in Europe and grad school all before the age of 23 was done for. Was I an only child? Nope, I was the middle of six! My parents didn’t do all that because I was an only child, they did it because they were divorced and remarried and as such I had 4 incomes supporting my sisters and me. Thoughts that have spiraled around my brain come down to two thoughts over and over again…
1. “How the F were my parents able to offer all of that to all of us, and how will I ever be able to do that?”
2. “How the F will my non-prof, education, no benefits salary and Nathan’s crap military pay ever amount to enough to give our kids the life style we were given?”
Well, between Nathan and I, the answer was not only to have an only child but also for me to stay in a major city in order to have the best job options open while he tries to get stationed as close to me as possible. Instead of moving to 29 Palms where lets face it, there aren’t any museums, or non profs and my best job option would be crossing my fingers that the base school art teacher got pregnant, fired or quit so that I could swing in and steal the job…
The judgment started to show up on the faces of many of my oldest friends. How could I possibly choose to split up my family, how could I possibly choose to even start a family at all until we could live together. Obviously we did start our family, Bella is two and a half now and since having her, I have lost a few friendships because my “family values” don’t coincide with theirs.
And, now we have the “only child” pressure. Constant questions from friends and family about when we will have another child. Jokes and inquisitive light humor from true friends and family and an ever so slightly different tone from others who tell me constantly how spoiled and bratty Bella will be unless we have another, etc.
My answer is always the same and I have learned to feel confident and secure in it. It’s a financial decision to give Bella the life we want her to have. We will all live together as SOON as that opportunity is available. And, when and if our finances change, we will certainly revisit the idea of having another child because things do change, life isn’t black and white, and there are always new opportunities on the horizon!
I believe that having an only child is as much a gift as having more than one. Different advantages and disadvantages but when it comes down to it, Bella is bratty, impatient, defiant, funny, assertive, whiny, strong willed, and gentle because… well, those of you who know Nathan and I can clearly see that genetics and our parenting styles have nurtured those behaviors, not because she is an only child! But hey, that’s just my perspective. ☺
My response to whether to have an only child comes from living almost sixty-two
Years. You see, when I was younger, I always wanted four kids. I grew up with an older brother 10 years older and a younger sister 5 years younger. I watched my friends family’s and dreamt about the fun and company of having brothers and sisters to share my thoughts and experiences with. I looked at other families and many times thought they had it ” all that and a bag of chips”… An older expression that signifies having life all together. Lol!! (I mix my generations). My children came to me, not in the family frame I had anticipated, but from a ” your, mine and ours that I fully embrace and treasure. I have not four, but five wonderful daughters who each bring me joy. What I’ve learned from life is that it doesn’t matter what someone else thinks, do what is in your heart and you feel is right for you , in your gut! But know that in life, you never get to that place where you can be assured that everything is secure enough to move on to the next decision. Much of life just “happens” to you. And there in , is where I hope you can post the picture with this response. Just like the sand, that you think is just sand under your feet, in life; treasures lie under the most difficult challenges and gifts unknown to you are given that you might miss if you could chose to plan everything perfectly! The sand in the picture is magnified 250X’s and such incredible beauty lies therein. So know that if you love your children those you have no matter whether one or more, do the best you can and they or he or she, will give you gifts and treasures you’d never have believed possible. You will always be given everything you need to get through the journey. Like the Polar Express, you just have to believe.